Just for now.
Insomnia hits. I scour the net for beautiful and not-so-beautiful things to use as an excuse not to sleep. They say people who can't sleep are bothered by regrets, guilt and remorse; of things that should have been said or not said; of things that should have been done or not. No amount of blankets or pillows can make the night comfortable enough for some peace. Yet I'm tired. I'm exhausted beyond belief.
I blame the previous year. It haunts me and I'm pretty sure it won't let me sleep. It won't give me rest. Somehow it knows that the past 365 days have been all about running away because I don't have courage to own up to everything I've done and everything I'm feeling. The past is always reason enough to keep you up at night. All the loose ends of the great tapestry are left hanging and sticks out like a sore thumb. It's the second day of the new year. I'm not starting it like a coward.
"I'm sorry. You have no idea how bad I felt. I'm a coward who runs at the slightest bit of complication. Strange that for someone like me who has nothing going for him but his words, it has lost all credibility on you. And I'm a lesser person because of it. I never lied but I never said the truth either. I literally and genuinely meant whatever I said, whatever I did and whatever I felt. I can't fake feelings, that's one thing I'm not good at. But feeling like a coward and acting like one is never an excuse. And I'm sorry."
"I think of you everyday. But I don't want to complicate things because what bothers you bothers me as well. I'm affected when you're affected. And it's sad that it doesn't go the same way on your end. I've made my peace with that. What's ultimately more sad than all this is that I need the comfort of a plastic keyboard and a humming monitor to admit it. The poets had it all wrong when they said that love is blind. Love isn't blind. It makes you blind. To the point that all I could see is you. And all I could do is sigh."
"I could have been a better friend. I should have watched what I was saying. It was hasty and vulgar for me to pick a fight. That is so unlike me. It eats away at me like nothing else has eaten me before. I am sorry."
"You hurt me without even knowing it. What's worse is that I began to think that I deserved it. I hated you for it. But that was half a year ago. And it's not worth thinking about up to now. You will never understand why it affected me so much and it doesn't matter. Only I have to. Personally, I don't really care about it anymore but hey, closure is closure, right?"
"I can't do it. My friend loved you and you loved him back, for crying out loud. You're a great girl and he's a great guy. You deserve each other so much that it's crazy. I like you a lot but it's impossible to just build on that because it will never grow to something more. And I'm pretty sure of that."
"I seldom see you anymore. We don't have a lot in common. Other people won't understand, but you're still the best friend I could ever have."
"I'm glad to have known you. You're a beautiful person inside and out."
"When I said goodbye, I immediately readied myself for how much I will miss you everyday. And I've never been let down since."
That's it for now. There's a lot more to be said but maybe not now. I could get into so much trouble as is. But it's a new year. Everyone gets a second chance. It's true what they say, after all. Salvation lies within.
Now, for pete's sake, 2005, will you let me fucking sleep?
I blame the previous year. It haunts me and I'm pretty sure it won't let me sleep. It won't give me rest. Somehow it knows that the past 365 days have been all about running away because I don't have courage to own up to everything I've done and everything I'm feeling. The past is always reason enough to keep you up at night. All the loose ends of the great tapestry are left hanging and sticks out like a sore thumb. It's the second day of the new year. I'm not starting it like a coward.
"I'm sorry. You have no idea how bad I felt. I'm a coward who runs at the slightest bit of complication. Strange that for someone like me who has nothing going for him but his words, it has lost all credibility on you. And I'm a lesser person because of it. I never lied but I never said the truth either. I literally and genuinely meant whatever I said, whatever I did and whatever I felt. I can't fake feelings, that's one thing I'm not good at. But feeling like a coward and acting like one is never an excuse. And I'm sorry."
"I think of you everyday. But I don't want to complicate things because what bothers you bothers me as well. I'm affected when you're affected. And it's sad that it doesn't go the same way on your end. I've made my peace with that. What's ultimately more sad than all this is that I need the comfort of a plastic keyboard and a humming monitor to admit it. The poets had it all wrong when they said that love is blind. Love isn't blind. It makes you blind. To the point that all I could see is you. And all I could do is sigh."
"I could have been a better friend. I should have watched what I was saying. It was hasty and vulgar for me to pick a fight. That is so unlike me. It eats away at me like nothing else has eaten me before. I am sorry."
"You hurt me without even knowing it. What's worse is that I began to think that I deserved it. I hated you for it. But that was half a year ago. And it's not worth thinking about up to now. You will never understand why it affected me so much and it doesn't matter. Only I have to. Personally, I don't really care about it anymore but hey, closure is closure, right?"
"I can't do it. My friend loved you and you loved him back, for crying out loud. You're a great girl and he's a great guy. You deserve each other so much that it's crazy. I like you a lot but it's impossible to just build on that because it will never grow to something more. And I'm pretty sure of that."
"I seldom see you anymore. We don't have a lot in common. Other people won't understand, but you're still the best friend I could ever have."
"I'm glad to have known you. You're a beautiful person inside and out."
"When I said goodbye, I immediately readied myself for how much I will miss you everyday. And I've never been let down since."
That's it for now. There's a lot more to be said but maybe not now. I could get into so much trouble as is. But it's a new year. Everyone gets a second chance. It's true what they say, after all. Salvation lies within.
Now, for pete's sake, 2005, will you let me fucking sleep?
posted by Juan Miguel Sevilla at 9:20 PM
1 Comments:
Now, for pete's sake, 2005, will you let me fucking sleep?-->> yes. i am 2005 reincarnated, boo.
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