Portents

The past 72 hours have been chock full of signs and omens pointing to somewhere. I just don't know what. As I left the movie theater after watching "Constantine", a star fell from the sky and lit up the heavens. It was a "whoah!" moment as I have never seen a falling star before. (I choose to call it falling star as opposed to shooting star because I love the idea of something so heavenly falling to earth and joining us mortals.)

Yesterday, I woke up to loud banging on the door. I slept with my contact lens on so my eyes were sore as hell. When I rubbed them, my right eye almost instantaneously blurred, which means my other lens either fell or slipped back behind my eyeball. I was hoping it just fell to the floor and as I was searching the ground, I literally jumped across the room. There was a fidgeting house lizard on the floor, apparently in near death. I haven't heard of any lizards dropping dead for no reason before, so I shrugged it off.

I almost forgot that half of the lens was stil somewhere in my eyeball, but I was already late for an oral exam so I had to rush out and just wear my glasses to school. At the moment of writing, I am still not sure where that other half went, if it is still somewhere on my eyeball or not. My right eye could be going blind, for all I know.

It got me thinking. I have worn glasses or eyewear for the past thirteen years. The way I see things are not the same way I saw them when I was a child. I have never been able to see clearly with my naked eyes for nearly my whole life. My vision is always blurry or distorted or dark. It's as if my whole life, I have depended on something to see. I have been capable of seeing the world only if there is something in between.

And all of these things that happened, the falling star, the lizard that dropped dead; everything seemed to point to something. But what? Two days ago, I talked to my ex for the first time in a long, long while. It was then I realized how happy she was. And I found myself smiling with her. We talked about stuff that we used to talk about. We laughed like we did before. I forgot how funny she was, or how she and I understand certain things that no one would ever get. And as we wound down the conversation, I said how much I've missed her. She said the same to me.

It was all I needed that night. A great big weight was thrown off my shoulder. I walked back to the car smiling, feeling really happy about myself. I didn't sulk or cry. She was happy and I should be too. And now that I think about it, amidst all the rants on love or the lack thereof, I am actually and genuinely happy, even thankful.

It felt so good and so right. I didn't even care when I saw my crush with a guy, who turned out to be her boyfriend all along. I just laughed so hard when I saw that. It made perfect sense, what with all this craziness happening all around. I just lit up a cigarette and drove off. All these are stuff that I have planned on taking care of ever since. What is the point of dreaming if you will never wake up?

The dead lizard, my right eye and the falling star all pointed to something after all. What it is, I won't divulge here. But rest assured, I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

I'm getting there.